How to be kinder to yourself, according to science

By Jocelyn Solis-Moreira, CNN

(CNN) — Remember when you told your best friend they didn’t deserve their latest job promotion? Did you also point out how they do nothing right and that everyone secretly hates their guts?

That scenario isn’t likely. Most people would never talk like this to their loved ones. Instead, a good and kind friend would be encouraging when someone is going through a rough patch and congratulate them on their hard-earned successes. Why is it so hard to extend the same courtesy to ourselves?

Why not start now and make it a habit in the new year? By changing your narrative to include more positive thought patterns, your words can help to build you up into a kinder, more compassionate person.

The brain tends to focus on negative experiences

The inner critic inside our heads can be loud and hard to ignore. It might tell us we’re undeserving of our accomplishments or brood over scenarios of how we could have done better.

Our brains have evolved to fixate more on the unpleasant experiences than on the good ones. It’s what helped our human ancestors safely scope out new environments while preparing for what could go wrong. While the average person isn’t running from lions and other lethal threats, modern-day stressors like an email from a boss or a project deadline can trigger the same negative self-talk.

If berating yourself has become a routine part of your life, these cruel and belittling comments can take a toll on your self-esteem and increase your anxiety when performing a task. Negative self-talk also can worsen depression.

Dr. Catherine Franssen, an associate professor of psychology at Longwood University in Virginia, said it will take time — about two months —to train your brain to undo the habit of talking negatively to yourself. The more we train our brain to practice showing kindness to ourselves, the easier it will be to silence the inner critic once and for all.

Science-backed ways of practicing self-kindness

Your inner critic is living rent-free in your mind, but you can take control of your headspace through mindfulness and meditation practices. Franssen recommended loving-kindness meditation, a guided practice where words and imagery are used to boost positive emotions and compassion toward the self.

“It’s as simple as spending 10 minutes of your lunch break to walk outside and listen to a meditation podcast,” Franssen explained. When combined with cognitive behavioral therapy (a form of talk therapy that teaches you to identify and change negative thoughts and behaviors), loving-kindness meditation can activate brain areas involved in emotion processing and empathy. That activation may explain the reduction in stress and boost in positive emotions. “All of these things are going to increase your sense of well-being and improve your ability to feel and think kindly,” said Franssen.

While meditation can reduce the amount of negative self-talk, it can still arise from time to time. Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming book, “The Joy of Imperfect Love,” said to stop and acknowledge when you’re in one of these negative thought patterns. “Don’t judge because that only leads to more negativity, but simply notice that you’re being unkind to yourself right now.”

Once you recognize the negative self-talk, Manly and Franssen advised talking to yourself as you would with a loved one. For example, maybe you did not get everything done on your to-do list today. Instead of scolding yourself for not working hard enough, point out the things you did accomplish today.

Using your name or referring to yourself in the third person provides a psychological distance between your habitually self-critical responses, which gives you a better ability to control your emotions. Additionally, people are more likely to experience more empathy when framing the situation as you would if your best friend came to talk to you about a struggle in their life.

Gentle reminders to tell yourself something nice about yourself can help with self-kindness as well. If you need help thinking of some, take inspiration from social media accounts that often post positive affirmations like “I am worthy of good things” or “Today will be a good day.” It might sound cheesy at first, but Franssen said repeating positive affirmations can make it easier to develop a positive inner monologue.

Give yourself time to silence your inner critic

Remember that being kinder to yourself will not happen overnight; it’s a daily practice. That is why Manly emphasized the need to schedule regular “gentle timeouts.” A 15-minute break to read a book, sit in silence or to take a walk is enough to reset yourself and feel more present when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

We often prioritize being kind to others and placing their needs ahead of ours, added Manly. But if we’re not taking good care of ourselves, physically and emotionally, how can we possibly expect to show up for others?

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