Fragile and complex, female friendships hinge on the three S’s, a new book says

By Terry Ward, CNN

(CNN) — In good times and bad, in sickness and health, the benefits of friendships between women are physically and psychologically undeniable.

Research shows what many women might intuitively know to be true, said Danielle Bayard Jackson, author of the new book “Fighting for Our Friendships: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationships.”

Women’s friendships, Jackson said, are emotionally closer than men’s because they tend to play out on a one-to-one basis, making it easier to share and show up. (Men, on the other hand, tend to congregate in larger groups, she said.)

But these relationships don’t come without challenges.

“Navigating relationships with other women can feel like a land mine knowing that, at any moment, you may turn someone off, hurt her feelings, or cross the line,” Jackson writes in her book.

A friendship educator and women’s coach, Jackson looks at the complexities of relationships between women to understand their fragility and help women to form and maintain more healthy friendships.

I talked to the author and host of the “Friend Forward” podcast about that precariousness and the tangible ways you can invest in your own friendships.

This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.

CNN: What makes women feel close, platonically, and why can our relationships feel so fragile?

Danielle Bayard Jackson: In studying the research on women’s friendships, I noticed that it didn’t matter what discipline I was looking at — anthropology, sociology, psychology, sociolinguistics — whenever it came to discussions of gender differences and social differences, I kept seeing the same three things emerge.

The three things that make women feel very close and connected are support, symmetry and secrecy, which I call the three affinities of female friendship. These are also the things that can make our friendships feel fragile.

The No. 1 thing women look for in their same-sex friendships is emotional support. Support is providing emotional help and acts of solidarity. The problem with that, though, is that it’s so subjective. And we don’t often articulate the support we need because we feel like saying it aloud will detract from the chemistry we’re supposed to have — like your friend should just know what you need.

When we meet somebody new — a new woman — and she offers some kind of act of support, even if it’s small, we start to look at her like, “Oh, OK, she’s cool.” This is the thing that brings us together, but when it’s missing, it can also tear us apart.

The second is the idea of symmetry, which involves feelings of egalitarianism and reciprocity in a friendship. One of the top three complaints I hear from women about their friendships is that they feel they’re initiating more or giving more than their friend is. This lack of symmetry can also show up in comments like, “I just feel like I don’t know her anymore. We’re not the same.” A sense of symmetry in a friendship is very important to us.

And then, finally, secrecy, which doesn’t necessarily refer to literal secrets. It refers to this feeling that you and I are in this exclusive vault and engaging in mutual self-disclosure. The glue of women’s friendships is “I share, you share.”

These three concepts tend to bond us. When one friend perceives an absence of one of these things or an imbalance, that’s the beginning of most of the issues women have with their friendships. It could be a small point of tension or complete dissolution of the friendship.

Strengthening each of these domains, especially support, are ways you can maintain friendships with other women. And you have to get comfortable sharing what you need, too. It doesn’t take away from the friendship or chemistry. In every other relationship, we expect that we have to communicate. But in friendship, it’s like we assume it should be easy, natural and organic. And that’s a relationship-killing myth.

CNN: What do you recommend doing when you first feel a conflict brewing with a female friend?

Jackson: First, look at your general attitude and history with conflict. Depending on how the culture of conflict was in your home growing up, people may have just not talked about things and just walked away. You might not be used to addressing conflict either.

Remind yourself that healthy conflict is good, and it’s often a prerequisite for the platonic intimacy you claim to want. After all, who doesn’t want to be in a friendship where you can be yourself and speak authentically? That includes raising issues about things that make you uncomfortable or boundaries and needs you have.

When it comes to conflict, keeping things inside you limits the closeness you can experience with other people. So, healthy conflict is a good thing here. And research shows us that on the other side of healthy conflict, people often report feeling closer, too. If you keep that in mind, it can help you lean into conflict.

The second thing I like to tell people to encourage them or motivate them to raise issues in a friendship is that the right people want the data on how to love you.

If you’re bringing something up with a friend, I suggest opening with vulnerability. I often do an exercise with clients where I ask the main reason why they don’t want to bring something up with a friend. In your conversation with your friend addressing a conflict, you can start with that reason — it should be your first sentence.

That might look like me saying to a friend, “The last thing I want is for things to be tense between us,” or “The last thing I want is for this to get messy and involve our mutual friends, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.” I’m letting her know I’m raising the issue in the service of our friendship, and it can make people less defensive. I’m doing it for us. I’m not coming at you.

When I raise the issue, I’m going to focus on the impact instead of the behavior. I’m not going to say, “You do this, this and that, it’s so annoying.” I’m going to point to a factual thing that’s happening and what the impact is on me.

CNN: How do you know if the time has come to leave a friendship?

Jackson: There are a couple of things. Maybe you find that you are holding onto the friendship just because of how long you’ve been friends and your shared history, but you’re dreading the hangouts, and it feels like an obligation. I think that’s worth looking at.

If you find that you’re scared to be yourself and share your opinions and express thoughts because there could be some kind of consequence — that this person would punish you or retaliate or belittle you for showing up authentically — I think that’s worth looking at, too.

If you don’t like who you are when you’re together, that’s also something to consider.

Finally, if, you feel depleted after you hang out — like it took a lot of work to listen to their negative complaints or they were gossiping or belittling you — that might be a signal that it’s time to let go.

CNN: Has working on your book impacted your personal friendships?

Jackson: Learning the research on friendship, connection, conflict and resilience has made me brave in my friendships. And they’re better because of it.

I feel brave to initiate things without anticipating rejection. I feel brave to pursue a woman I think is interesting without being scared. I feel brave to raise an issue with a friend without being fearful that this means it’s going to be over. And because of that courage, I’ve noticed my own friendships feel a lot more satisfying.

Florida-based freelance writer Terry Ward lives in Tampa, where she counts her lucky stars to be surrounded by the best female neighbors-turned-friends a girl could want.

The-CNN-Wire
™ & © 2024 Cable News Network, Inc., a Warner Bros. Discovery Company. All rights reserved.