Etiquette experts weigh in: Should you have a say over a wedding you’re paying for?

By Madeline Holcombe, CNN

(CNN) — Summer and fall are popular times for weddings, and these celebrations can stir up a lot of drama.

“Weddings, in a lot of ways, bring out the worst in people,” said Sherry Kuehl, an advice columnist with The Kansas City Star.

“It’s a lot of money,” said Kuehl, who receives many questions about weddings. “It’s high pressure with tons of decisions to make.”

The biggest mistakes Kuehl has seen? It’s when people don’t think ahead and communicate before the big day.

Whether you are the couple, their parents, relatives, close friends or guests, here is what experts want you to know to ensure a successful wedding.

And some people offered examples of when things went wrong at their weddings, though they wanted to remain anonymous to avoid family conflict.

Don’t expect everyone to be mind readers

Like it or not, those attending a wedding have expectations — maybe it’s about how big a part they will play, what traditions will be observed, who is invited or what they will wear, Kuehl said.

Instead of assuming everyone is on the same page, get those involved in putting on the wedding together and have a respectful conversation ahead of time, said Lizzie Post, copresident of the Emily Post Institute and coauthor of “Emily Post’s Etiquette: Centennial Edition.”

The wedding couple or whoever is involved in putting the event together can initiate this talk, she said.

“If they’re spread out all over the United States, do a Zoom (session) and discuss what the expectations are and what the bride and the groom’s plans are … so no one can say, ‘Well, I didn’t know,’” Kuehl said.

This conversation is especially important for people who don’t have a traditional role, such as stepparents, Kuehl said. Some may be new members of the family, while others have been involved in the lives of the bride or groom for a long time, she added.

Be sure to ask what role the couple would like you to play, making it clear you are OK just showing up as a guest but would be happy to help as much as possible, Kuehl said.

A financial gift doesn’t give you a stake in the party

Parents paying for a wedding aren’t always the norm anymore. Many families may contribute, or the couple may take on the financial responsibility themselves, Kuehl said.

If you are offering to pay for something, she recommends treating your financial contribution to the wedding as a gift. That way, the couple can have the day they want without worrying that they need to get your approval for their choices.

Any money given for the wedding should come with clear communication on your expectations, Post said.

One example: “It is really important to make that known if you are offering to host it at your house, but only if you’re going to be involved in choosing the rental companies” or that “you won’t buy a dress that’s short or red or whatever it may be,” Post said.

It may help to put any agreements around money in writing, Kuehl said.

Don’t be difficult if the couple don’t share your beliefs

Bringing two families together can lead to tricky clashes of cultures, customs and beliefs.

“I think it’s best when families who are coming from blended cultures are willing to accept that, while another culture might do something they deem inappropriate, that is, in fact, appropriate in this other culture,” Post said.

She recommended the parties ask themselves: If they aren’t being asked to do things that go against their beliefs or preferences, can they be around others making different choices?

The bride doesn’t have to wear pearls because you did

What about when your loved ones decide to cut your favorite tradition from the day? Perhaps a groom doesn’t want to do a mother-son dance, or a bride feels like having her father walk her down the aisle seems outdated, Kuehl said.

“The parents cannot get upset over the fact that traditions have evolved, and they need to be in touch with the fact,” Kuehl said.

If you are part of the wedding couple and your parents insist on including a tradition you don’t care about but are fine including, try putting them in charge of it, Post said. If it is important to them, they may follow through on it — or not.

Let the wedding couple eat

Many people will be eager to get a little time with the couple on their wedding day, but they should respect the couple’s boundaries. If the couple are seated by themselves to eat, leave them be to enjoy that opportunity, Post said.

Of course, many couples will carve out time for their guests.

“I think the couple (do) a really great service by choosing to select a time where they go around to each of the tables and talk with people,” she added, “because that then checks that box as a guest.”

Don’t monopolize the wedding couple

How much time you get with the couple depends on the size of the wedding, Kuehl said. With a smaller wedding, it is easier to socialize with the couple, but read the room to ensure it is a good time for them.

“If it is a larger wedding, you might only be able to tell the couple how beautiful the wedding is and move on,” she said.

The couple are balancing difficult roles as both the guests of honor and hosts of their wedding, Kuehl said.

“Guests need to be attuned to this and make sure they’re not monopolizing the couple’s time,” she added.

Have a good time but not too good

Yes, the couple want you to celebrate and have a good time, but it is also important to know your limits when it comes to alcohol, said Myka Meier, etiquette expert and founder of Beaumont Etiquette in New York City.

Too much indulgence can lead to regrettable behavior — so pace yourself and drink water in between, she said.

Join in the party spirit

“If the couple ask you to join them on the dance floor for the cutting of the cake or to dance, it shows spirit and support to do so,” Meier said. “Your positive energy contributes to the overall celebration.”

Arrive early and don’t overstay your welcome

Showing up late can interrupt a grand entrance or a special moment of the ceremony, so arrive 20 to 30 minutes early, Meier said. And if there is an ending time or an announcement for last call, be sure not to linger too long, Post said. The couple may have to adhere to the venue’s rules.

They didn’t hire you to be the photographer

Photography throughout the day is often a big deal in weddings today, so be sure to avoid taking pictures when asked not to do so or if you are told it is an “unplugged” ceremony, Meier said. Not only might the couple want you present with them, but you may get in the way of the photographers and videographers they hired, she added.

And don’t steal their social media thunder by uploading pictures of the couple before they do, Meier said.

Don’t throw a fit because you’re not giving a speech

Your loved ones getting married may be a big day in your life, too, but it is important to remember to give them their dream wedding, Kuehl said.

“The most important thing parents need to do is … realize this wedding is in no way about them,” she said. “Our goal is to try to help the couple feel married and celebrated well.”

Kuehl added, “It’s not about you. None of this was meant to hurt your feelings.”

While you may see the wedding as a milestone in your relationship with the couple, it is important not to put so much pressure on the day, Kuehl said. There will be plenty of important moments you will share together after the wedding.

And the most giving thing you can do for your children — what might really make them feel close to you — is to help facilitate their day, she said.

“Parents should think of themselves as the secondary hosts,” she said. “If something goes wrong, I’m here and I’ll fix it. You need me to do this? I’m here.

“You are there to facilitate and help, so your children can get married and have a lovely wedding — most importantly, the wedding they wanted.”

The-CNN-Wire
™ & © 2024 Cable News Network, Inc., a Warner Bros. Discovery Company. All rights reserved.