When Mom’s stocking is empty, the message is clear

By Lily Hautau, CNN

(CNN) — While everyone else’s stockings are hung with care, Mom’s is often the last to be filled — if it’s filled at all. Why? For many families, moms are the magic makers of the holidays, but so often their needs can be overlooked.

“The pressure to create ‘magical’ holiday experiences often falls squarely on mothers,” said Dr. Catherine Birndorf, cofounder, CEO and medical director of the Motherhood Center in New York City, a mental health care and support network for new and expecting mothers.

Appreciation isn’t a luxury, Birndorf noted. “It’s psychological necessity . It binds us together. Recognizing everyone’s contributions, big and small, creates connection.”

Showing your appreciation by stuffing your wife’s or mother’s stocking doesn’t have to break the bank.

One of Paige Connell’s most memorable stocking stuffers was receiving a pair of plain but cool socks from her husband that she had wanted. It was the effort behind the gift that made it meaningful. “That is what I think so many of us are looking for,” said Connell, a married mother of four children from Boston.

Modeling appreciation for the next generation

Liz Kihn, a stay-at-home mom from Pennsylvania, has seen videos of mothers waking up on Christmas morning to find their stockings empty while the rest of the family laughs it off.

“That is my nightmare,” Kihn said. “I personally don’t want to feel that way, but I don’t want my daughter to ever think it’s OK to treat anybody that way, let alone her own family.”

This year she’s made it clear to her husband that she wants her stocking filled. And as her daughter gets older, Kihn said she feels it’s important to model that everyone deserves to feel valued.

But you can’t expect people to know what your needs are unless you speak up. Whether it’s filling a stocking, scheduling doctor’s appointments or helping with grocery shopping, Kihn points out that these are things many moms think about constantly.

“Dads can’t help us if they don’t know,” she said. “You just need to be bold and speak up for yourself and what you want.”

Tips for finding the right gift

Finding gifts for stockings can be as simple as picking up new toiletries or her favorite treat.

Dr. Galena Rhoades, research professor and director of the Institute for Relationship Science at the University of Denver, highlights the value of “finding small things that are important or funny or meaningful or kind.”

Even everyday items can be special if they’re chosen thoughtfully: “If you’re getting them toothpaste, for example, which is a silly one, what toothpaste do they use?” Connell added.

If you’re out of ideas, don’t be afraid to ask. “It’s an opportunity to communicate needs and desires and respond to them,” Rhoades said, noting that open communication can help ensure that gifts are useful and appreciated.

Building new traditions together

This stocking stuffing responsibility doesn’t have to fall solely on spouses or partners. Including children in the process can make the gifts even more meaningful for the whole family.

“Empathy can be nurtured, and holidays, when done with intention, are one of the richest opportunities to enhance and teach it,” Birndorf said.

Even young children can benefit from “a role and a sense of agency to be able to do something that’s kind for someone else in their family,” Rhoades said.

For Connell, who posts videos about partners sharing a family’s mental load equally, one of the most exciting days of her childhood occurred while shopping for gifts for her siblings. They were each given $5 at a local card shop to spend.

After the shopping trip, she and her siblings would go home and wrap the gifts and give them to each other, and now she has passed this tradition on to her kids. The goal is to teach them to think about others and to buy them a gift they’re going to enjoy.

If you don’t have a tradition set, Birndorf points out it’s not too late. “Holiday traditions are often inherited, but they can — and should — evolve.”

A season of shared effort and appreciation

At this time of year, there’s a misconception that mothers simply complain about holiday stress, Connell added.

“What most women experience is that they want to make the holidays really magical for their families, but they just don’t want to be doing it alone,” she said. “It’s not even that they want a gift or that they want their stocking full. They want a partner who helps them with all of that, who participates in all of that with them.”

Ultimately, rethinking how to approach the holidays isn’t just about making sure Mom’s stocking is filled. It’s about creating a culture of shared effort, appreciation and connection. When families work together and support one another, everyone gets to experience the true magic of the season.

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