Even if your kids roll their eyes, keep making jokes, research says

By Madeline Holcombe, CNN

(CNN) — When things would get tense between the kids in my house, sometimes my dad would sit beside us and talk out how to address our feelings and resolve conflict.

Other times, he would start a food fight at dinner or scoop us up unceremoniously in our jeans and T-shirts for a group jump into the backyard pool.

And it turns out, humor like that may be an important skill in parenting, according to new research.

Researchers surveyed about 300 people about their experiences being raised with or without humor and their views on their childhood, according to a study published Wednesday in the journal PLOS One.

People who were raised by adults who used humor were found to have a better view of their parents or caregivers, more likely to say they have a good relationship with them, more likely to say they did a good job, and reply that they would use the same parenting techniques, said senior study author Dr. Benjamin Levi, professor of pediatrics and humanities at Pennsylvania State College of Medicine.

The study is small, and the population isn’t very diverse, said Dr. Katie Hurley, senior clinical advisor for The Jed Foundation, a nonprofit dedicated to teen and young adult mental health and suicide prevention, and a child and adolescent psychotherapist. She was not involved in the research.

It is the initial step in a broader investigation, Levi added. “This is just the very first of several studies that we’re doing to better understand both how humor was used with children and … what sort of they (the children) took away from that,” he said.

More than a laugh

Yes, humor can get your family laughing, but it also serves a lot of important functions in parenting, Levi said.

“It sort of forces you to react differently, which opens up new perspectives and new opportunities,” he said. “That kind of connection can be very (encouraging) for the relationship between the kid and the parent.”

Sometimes, humor can be helpful to diffuse the sour moods that can naturally come and develop as kids grow up, said study coauthor Anne Libera, associate professor of comedy writing and performance at Columbia College Chicago.

Other times, using humor can create a bond between you and your child from which you can better solve problems, she added.

“In addition to stress relief and easing social interactions, humor promotes language and literacy skills, creative problem solving, and resilience and helps kids cope with disappointment,” Hurley said via email.

And making a joke can benefit you as the adult, too, Libera said.

“Using humor can change your child’s behavior, but can also help you reframe a stressful situation, and that was, for me, a huge saving grace,” she said.

Similarly, maybe jumping into the pool fully clothed was my dad’s way of jolting cranky kids out of their moods with a laugh at the absurdity. Maybe it also gave him space to take a breath and not get pulled into the stress as well.

When jokes go wrong

Humor is not a cure-all, however, Levi said. When and how to use it effectively is part of the next step in the research.

“The real question is, how can humor be used appropriately for the children? Because humor can be weaponized. Humor can be exploitative,” he said.

The helpfulness of humor is dependent on different factors: the child’s age, the problem they are facing, the intention of the person delivering the joke, and the temperament of the person receiving it, he said.

It’s important that as a caregiver in a greater position of power than your child, you don’t use humor to make them feel smaller, Libera said. Or that you trade a moment of validation and listening for a joke.

“A 13-year-old who comes home sullen and doesn’t want to talk or is angry or is crying — boy, that’s complex, and that requires a much more nuanced approach,” Levi said. “Sometimes humor lends itself to nuance. But I would guess that often, in those kinds of nuanced situations, humor is a lot harder to pull off successfully.”

Striking the right tone

How do you know then if you are using the right kind of humor for your child?

Stick to where they are developmentally, Hurley said.

“Infants and toddlers respond well to slapstick humor, but preschoolers love a tall tale,” she said. “As kids grow, their sense of humor and ability to understand different types of humor becomes more sophisticated.”

You can also ask yourself what the purpose of the humor is and whether it respects your child as an individual, Levi added. He recommended thinking about whether the joke is at their expense, if it is for their benefit or yours, and if it is intended to make things more positive.

“It’s something to be really careful about because children are resilient, but they’re also vulnerable, and there’s an inherent power imbalance between parents and children,” he said.

Humor is like a game, Libera said. If you are just making fun of someone, that isn’t a game they can play, too.

The best humor you can use with your children is the kind that puts the two of you on the same side, she added.

“One thing to avoid across age groups (is) sarcasm,” Hurley said.

Sarcasm is rather sophisticated and often used in anger or resentment, so it might be hard for your child to decode. And your jokes should never be used to hurt, shame or embarrass your children, she added.

“Stick to the parent jokes and humorous problem-solving efforts that you know will decrease stress and keep the family engaged in a positive way,” she said.

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