Parents are up against the ‘mother lode’ of holiday stress. Here’s how to make it easier

Analysis by Kara Alaimo, CNN

(CNN) — Balancing work deadlines with the needs of her 5- and 8-year-old boys isn’t easy for Terri Huggins.

Then the holiday season rolls in, with a slew of performances, parties, gift obligations, and questions about which family members they’ll visit this year and whether to let the kids use screens during winter break.

“How many events can I even physically show up to when you have work and other responsibilities?” asked Huggins, an editorial consultant in West Windsor, New Jersey. “And is it going to scar my child if I go to the two chorus things and not the holiday pageant or the holiday party? And then am I going to scar my child if I give them too few gifts or not enough gifts?”

There’s also the consideration of gifts or cards for classroom teachers, music and art instructors, lunch aides and case managers.

When it comes to gifts, people often don’t see “the mental aspect,” Huggins said. “I want to show them that I appreciate them. You don’t want to give them junk. Then there’s the shipping deadlines, making sure that it’s in your budget.”

Like Huggins, many parents are up against the “mother lode” of stress way before the holiday season adds extra demands. What should parents do when even more is piled on for the holidays?

Experts say parents can try to make the season more manageable by rethinking expectations, asking for help, handling family drama strategically and giving themselves something to look forward to in January.

Do you feel jolly and bright?

To start, how do you want to feel during this holiday season? That’s an important question parents can consider, said Anna Seewald, a Princeton, New Jersey-based psychologist and host of the “Authentic Parenting” podcast.

“It could be cozy and warm,” Seewald said. “So everything you do during the holiday season — the shopping, the cooking, the getting together — you can always pause and ask yourself this question: Is this making me feel cozy and warm? Is this aligned with my intention?”

The answer, she noted, can help you say yes or no to an invitation.

Who insisted on these cookies?

Parents can also consider the source of their expectations, said Kimberly Solo, a Medfield, Massachusetts-based therapist who treats adult women. Parents may feel pressure to get matching family pajamas because they see others doing it on social media.

But doing so may be too expensive or even just annoying. Instead, she suggested parents ask: “What’s our bandwidth? How much do we have to give this holiday season?”

Seewald also recommended parents reconsider past traditions to see if they still suit you. “Give yourself permission to do it differently, because you are in a different place today,” she said. “Just because for the past 10 years you’ve done it that way doesn’t mean you have to continue at the cost of your mental health or sanity.”

Time to unload the mental load

Women are often the “default parents” who take on most of the planning and organizing in their families, Solo noted. When workloads increase dramatically around the holidays, it’s especially important to delegate or ask the family to pitch in and split up the duties.

To cut down on cooking responsibilities, Seewald suggested catering dishes or asking everyone to bring something. “It doesn’t have to be all homemade, all from scratch,” she said, “maybe not this year, if you have a toddler and a sick child, and some other things going on in your life.”

Limit excessive gift giving

For some families, the presents just pile up, but Seewald said it is possible to cut down on the number of gifts without being a grinch. She suggested parents ask for donations to a charity — which they could select with their kids. Or, if a large family is getting together, each family member could pick one kid to buy for and invest in a meaningful gift.

Another option is enlisting kids to choose some of their presents to donate in January. It will feel good to reduce household clutter and give to others.

If your finances are tight during the holidays, the pressure can be hard. “Buy nothing” groups can help, and it’s OK to ask for basic needs. (And remind yourself that children will remember the hot chocolate and movie nights more than the latest electronic gadgets they did not get when they’re older.)

Cut down on family drama

Many people have colorful characters in their families whom they get together with during the holidays. Solo said it’s important to have reasonable expectations and not assume relatives will change.

A get-together doesn’t feel cozy or warm if certain kids tend to bully their younger cousins. So don’t go or plan to stay for a short time and have an exit plan. And leave if you don’t like the mood.

Solo also recommended parents practice self-care before those events — such as getting enough rest and visiting with supportive friends — so they’re better equipped to manage the stress.

Planning for January

After the holidays are over, a phone-free family night — playing a game or watching a movie — is a great way to bring people together without creating extra work for anyone.

Solo also tells her clients to make plans to do something for themselves in January. If a trip is outside of their budget, she said, maybe a friend can take their kids one night, and another night they can take care of the friend’s children.

“Plan something for January to look forward to that doesn’t involve taking care of other people,” she said.

That’s another way parents can make a frenetic season feel a little more calm and bright.

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